When I first wrote this post, I fired up some rad language. I channelled my power and wrote some kick-ass lines about why enough is enough and that we should all stop trying to improve our awesome selves.
But it didn’t quote feel right. So the post has lingered in my draft box for some time now.
Until tonight. As I’m writing this, it’s 2 am and I can’t sleep because I have too much on my mind. I’ve had quite a few of those nights recently. And each night brings about a new painful insight.
Tonight I’ve decided that it’s about time I come clear and let you all know that I don’t always practice what I preach. It’s about time I practice showing a little vulnerability instead.
So here comes a heartfelt piece of writing about enoughness.
Because so many of us walk upon this magnificent earth believing that we are not good enough. Or smart enough. Tall enough. Thin enough. Caring enough. Loving enough. Lovable enough. Pretty enough. Productive enough. Friendly enough. Fill-in-the-blank or all-of-the-above.
I know I’ve been feeling that I’m not thin enough. I constantly worry that the work I’m doing isn’t good enough. Or that my writing isn’t interesting and worth reading. When all these things (and a lot of other areas of my life) are added together, I’m starting to think that I am not good enough. period.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of enough. I’d like to share my two cents, even though think this post never will be perfect and ready for publishing.
e·nough
[ih-nuhf]
1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead. –adjective
2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency. –pronoun
3. in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently. –adverb
4. fully or quite: ready enough. –adverb
5. (used to express impatience or exasperation): Enough! I heard you the first time. –interjection
—Synonyms
1. ample. 3. adequately, amply, reasonably.
So, when we say we don’t feel good enough, what we’re basically saying is that we don’t feel good to a degree that satisfies a need or desire. We don’t feel sufficiently good. The question is obvious: which need? Which desire? which purpose?
I’ll use the example of me not feeling good enough in general. (God knows I’m not quite ready enough to tackle the thinness question just yet). I worry that being who I am, doing what I do, isn’t good enough. I catch myself thinking it over and over. again and again and again. But I don’t think I’ve ever stopped and questioned that belief. I’d like to grab myself by the collar, look me in the eye and say “hey! Good enough for what exactly?!”
For people to love me? To make me popular? To make my dreams come true? For me to like me? If this sounds familiar, give yourself a moment to see if you can find some answers to your own needs to be enough. Is it success? Self-esteem? Self-love? It is about you, or others?
Have you ever questioned how much goodness/smartness/thinness/prettiness is enough for you to reach said goal? I know I haven’t. But if we don’t set a limit somewhere, the goal will always be unreachable. It’s eternal. And we end up never feeling quite enough.
So who makes the decision and set the limits? And here is the insight that is my wisdom & painful lesson learned: You set the standard. You have the power over you.
The only one who can measure your worth is you.
You decide when enough is enough.
Time to set some new standards for yourself.
And this just brings up more questions. Where do I set this goal? How much effort, improvement, energy and power is required before I can be satisfied with my enoughness?
It’s so easy to fall in the trap of thinking that if we just set the goal a tiiiny bit further down the line, we’ll reach it and be happy ever after. But it doesn’t work that way. Because we reach our goal and — surprise! — realize we’re still not happy about ourselves. Have you ever found yourself stretching that goal further and further? Well, here’s the second insight, and I know you know it already: Happiness is not reached by the drive to become a better version of ourselves. In fact, if we continue to think that way, chances are we’ll never be happy.
I say this to myself as much as I say it to you:
You will be happy when you decide to be enough. Just the way you are.
I don’t have all the answers yet, but I know it’s got a lot to do with my own feeling of worthiness. I know I’ll figure it out. (And I’ll let you know when I do.) And in the meantime I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt and just assume I’m good enough by default.
When do you feel you’re not good enough? What is your wisdom? Anyone who wish to dip their toes into the cold pool ocean of vulnerability with me?
I have to say it again.. i love to read your writings, it’s so inspiring and the things you write are very very familiar…
i often find myself thinking i am not good enough, i have to be better, thinner, smarter, more fun etc etc… so i run and fly and try to change, but then i end up so tired and even sad, but not a better person..
about 2 years ago, when i felt really depressed… someone, a good friend of my parents who also is a mental coach, asked me whether i loved myself… i found that a very difficult question to answer and told him that i am self confident, but that my expectations/ standards are high.. right, that was not an answer to his question… but even if i couldn’t answer that question then, it got me starting to think…
during this time i really started to understand that i always worked hard, trying to be the perfect student, employee, daughter, friend, lover… but always felt inadequate, insufficient… but that was my judgement, not someone else’s… it all came down to the decision to tell myself that i am good (enough) the way i am.. and also that the person i need to befriend the most of everyone is me… because no matter what happens, the only one that spends my life with me, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all my life, every second, is me… it’s going to be a hard life if i don’t like that person..
so love yourself, you are good enough (and a great and inspiring writer) i can tell you that, but the joy of a compliment only lasts a short while, before you need to hear it again from someone else… while believing in you, standing up for you, like you do with this post, you don’t need others telling you you’re doing good, because you know, because it feels good, because you are good enough, way more than that, you are very good…
myself, i love to sing, i also sing in a band nowadays and i always notice that the more insecure i feel, the harder i try and tell myself that it’s not good enough, the bigger the chance is that i sing off-key… while standing there, trusting in me, enjoying myself and feeling confident that i have a nice voice, my singing is so much better… these are all small eyeopeners… loving yourself is the key to becoming a better person, because it gives you the freedom to show you with all your flaws, but also your talents..
sometimes i still forget, so just to remind myself i put little post-its on my mirror saying “I am good the way I am”
this has become a terribly long comment, but your story sounds so familiar that i wanted to share a bit of mine with you… it touches me the way you really show yourself and dare to be vulnerable, there is so much strength in that… it’s inspiring!
so thank you again… Caroline
Thank you so much for your long and heartfelt comment! I really feel a connection with you, so I’ll send you an email response instead:)
Just one thing I really enjoyed reading:
the joy of a compliment only lasts a short while, before you need to hear it again from someone else…
This is exactly how I feel! So true, external validation never lasts. We need to find our power sources from within!
That is a brilliant post. I just stumbled across your blog today and have been going through it, and this post really resonated with me.
I always feel that I can be better – I can work harder, work smarter, give more of myself, be the perfect lover/friend/daughter/sister,and sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And sometimes, it doesn’t matter and I still feel like I’m a pretty awesome person anyway.
So it’s a good, and timely, reminder that yes. I AM enough. So thank you :)