The Truth Will Set You Free

13/02/12

I’ve had this feeling lately, a kind of murring inside. It’s like restlessness mixed with a fear of change. Contradicting. And know I can’t keep on writing before this post has been written.

You know, I have this thing about freedom. I crave it. Deeply. And yet, it terrifies me.

So, at last, I’m writing what needs to be written. Sharing what needs to be shared. Coming out of the closet, breaking free of my own limitations and taking that leap. I think I’m sailing forth, steering for the deep waters only*. May it make or break.

I’m writing this from the inside of a closed-door emergency psychiatric hospital. News to you, but hardly new for me. This is my fifth time here.

I’ve been struggling a lot the last year, and I haven’t been ready to share it with anyone. And at last, I’ve come to the conclusion that living a double life is doing me more harm than good. So I’ve decided to air some of my problems with the hope of helping myself, being of inspiration, and to help to shed some light on a mental illness that is particularly difficult for others to understand. I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (often referred to as Borderline or BPD). And I struggle with an eating disorder too.

There. Said it.

I won’t go into much detail, but I just wanted you to know that I’m not perfect. In fact, I am impulsive. Self-destructive. I live a chaotic life of extremely high highs and low lows. And yet I’m deeply passionate about self-development, lifestyle, travelling, dreams and positive living. All of the posts I write here are genuine. And I have found that writing about these topics is one of the few things in life that give me real joy. I guess I want to say that I truly believe in all the advice I’m giving, all the inspiration I’m spreading and all the words I share. Even though I don’t necessarily follow all of it all the time. Sometimes I write what I do as much for myself as I write it for you. Sometimes I write what I most need to hear , and it corresponds beautifully with what you need to hear too. I love it when that happens.

Nothing will change around here. Except that for the next few months, I’ll be writing from hospital instead of from home. I’m still the same me. Trying my best to live a magical life. Hoping for even better and more beautiful days.

If you have any questions, advice, support or a little inspiration to share – I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I’ll do my best to answer any questions you might have.

Love,

 

 

* Words borrowed from Walt Whitman’s Passage to India.

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

IRO February 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I was once diagnosed w. BPD. I wasn’t expecting it, but according to the Dr. I went to see out of curiosity “it was obvious”.
After a few therapy sessions done the hard way (sans medication – at first because I didn’t want it, at the end because I really just wanted it to… well, “get it over with” and my Dr. saw right through it)… I eventually realized this was just a diagnose. Just another label, like “fat”, “skinny”, “pretty”, “joyful”, “happy-go-lucky”. Just a quality of many. It didn’t absolutely define me.

Writing helped a lot during these times. I also had a blog then, and I wrote about freedom in a post once. I realized within my freedom, I was a slave to myself, and my ideas. I stopped therapy for a few years, and came back during what I call “the gone-insane era”…

While the initial Dr. that diagnosed my BPD is now certain I am clear of it, sometimes I think I still wear the label. The only difference is I’ve somewhat gotten to cope with the the fact that life is chaotic, and it has high highs and low lows, that you have to actually go thru and you can’t really magically avoid it.

If you match this to the inspiring words you write here – which you are very lucky to truly believe in – you’ll realize your imperfections are part of who you are, and that you can be free from your self-harm (try it as an experiment).

Out of respect for my own freedom, I’m not big on giving advice. However, I’ll share 1. Something my first doctor said “the best ‘cure’ against BPD – considering it doesn’t really have any (it’s one of those diagnoses) – is information” ; 2. A book “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck… and 3. A chapter about freedom on ‘Spring with a Broken Corner’ a novel by Mario Benedetti.
The last one is really a very pretty novel, but focus on “freedom” as defined by the character Beatriz.

I could write forever, you can email me if you want.

In a nutshell…. I wish you love. It is usually the cure to any diagnose.

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Merry February 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

*hugs* I have been in the hospital for mental illness as well, five times infact, and I take medication daily for it. If you ever need to talk to someone about it or just want to chat, I’m here. ^_^ I hope your stay there does you good and that things work out for the best!

-Merry

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Jana February 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

WOW. Big step my dearest and I commend and admire you for it! I am sure it is a step into the right direction and hopefully gives you at least a deep breath in of the oxygenated truthful air that you crave and need to get well. Be assured: we love every facet of you! Because you are you with everything it takes. Much love to you sunflower, Jana xx

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Rebecca February 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I am so touched and inspired by your words. I’ve been thinking a lot about authenticity lately, and these words really spoke to me: “I’ve come to the conclusion that living a double life is doing me more harm than good.” I can really relate to that. I applaud and respect you for being so open, and trust that I’m thinking of you and wishing you lots of beauty and happiness.

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Charlie February 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I admire you so much for coming out and saying what it is you’re going through. It doesn’t make me think of you any differently – I still believe in you, and in your writing. I have struggled a lot with depression over the last year, and it’s tough. I hope that you can get what you need where you are now. Please feel free to get in touch if you need to talk about anything at all.
Take care of yourself x

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Diane February 13, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Hi Marthe. It’s really brave of you to be honest with your readers. I salute you! I hope you get the help and support you need. I’ll be on your side all the way from here. :) hugs

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Melissa February 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I’ve never been on your blog before today and randomly I fell upon it today through a post on Pinterest. I don’t think its coincidence that you posted this today and I just happened to find it today, as well.
With that said, I want you to know that I just prayed for you. I don’t know what you believe, but I know that God is in control and that He’s with you and that He will fight for you, even when you don’t want Him to. His Love is endless and His peace is what helps me get through the day, and I know it’s there for you too.
I know your blog inspires many people and has an impact on many people’s lives. I pray God uses that and blesses that for you so that all these dreams you write about, will find their way to be true and will lead you to Him. :)
Loving, praying, and lifting you up.

Melissa

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Catherine February 13, 2012 at 9:02 pm

That must have taken a lot of courage to come out and say, and I admire you for that. There are definitely things in my life I need to be truthful about to others, but sometimes it’s just so hard to actually say it.

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Robyn February 13, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Thank you. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being you.

I don’t know you at all, but I must say you are a strong and brave woman for writing about this.

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Madeline Usher February 13, 2012 at 10:34 pm

This post is amazing. I have bipolar disorder and struggled with an eating disorder for the better part of a decade. I think that the more people talk about their experiences with mental illness, the faster the stigma will go away. Thank you for being open about this.

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Gerri February 13, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Sending you healing wishes…

Thanks for your bravery and disclosure of what you are facing. I agree that being open will lead you to more beautiful days.

peace

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Carol Anne @ Rock Salt February 13, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Another step towards freedom – it’s closer every day x

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Tiffiny February 14, 2012 at 12:19 am

I just found your blog recently and love your philosophy. You know some of the best ideas come from necessity, from the things we need most for ourselves. Your blog is true inspiration and your words picked me up when I was down. Glad I came across it. As to your current situation, well we all have our own bag of rocks, something that we each have no choice but to deal with from time to time, I know I have mine. Wishing you the best on yours.

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Jenn February 14, 2012 at 12:19 am

You’re so brave to write about this and I’m so glad you did. I think we all have a dark side and it’s hard to see through the fog sometimes. I just went through something similar my last semester and it’s scary. But I want you to know that YOU HELPED ME. Reading your posts made me realize that I’m not alone in needing to be free, and what it is I need to do to take control over my life. Your writing made me feel better, so I have no doubts it will make you better too.

Stay strong and beautiful and everything that you are. Feel free to write if you need to talk! xo

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Rach // In Spaces Between February 14, 2012 at 1:43 am

Wow wow wow Marthe. Your honesty & vulnerability is so courageous. I can almost here your deep exhale writing those words and releasing them here. Bravo. This is your journey & regardless of the lows, your highs are a total inspiration to me – and us all – and I look forward to more of that magic. Nourish. Unfurl. Love & accept. Giant hugs from across the seas, Rach xoxox

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Rach // In Spaces Between February 14, 2012 at 1:43 am

*hear

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Myesha February 14, 2012 at 1:46 am

I have followed this blog for a few months now, and I love it so much. You’re strong for sharing with us and I wish you all the best. :)

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Jen February 14, 2012 at 1:52 am

Thank you for sharing this and being so honest. I know it’s hard to come out about mental illness. I struggle with depression and have several friends who have been in psychiatric hospitals. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, though I realize we are never truly recovered.

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Kimberley - Dream. Delight. Inspire. February 14, 2012 at 2:08 am

Sending so many nurturing and loving thoughts your way gorgeous. You inspire so many through your wonderful words and I know you will continue to do so with a new energy of truth and openness.

I, like so many of your readers, am here for you in whatever capacity you may need and we are so proud of you for being brave and showing us even more of yourself. Be proud and remember to love wholeheartedly. None of us are perfect but we can still treasure ourselves. xxx

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Erin McNaughton February 14, 2012 at 2:22 am

I really admire your courage in sharing this, Marthe. You’re such a strong, beautiful, and loving woman. You are so selfless, and have done so much to help others. Now it’s time to focus on yourself, and let others help you. I’ll be thinking of you and here to support you. Know that you’re surround by love and people who care, because you put the time and effort in connecting with and helping us, and in doing so have already made the world a better and more beautiful place.

Love always, Erin <3

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Halley February 14, 2012 at 5:11 am

Let us know how we can help, Marthe, if you need it. Being honest about your own life makes me feel deeper admiration for your writing.

Big hug, bud.
Halley

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Eliza February 14, 2012 at 5:28 am

Thanks for being so honest and courageous – it is admirable. Sending support.

Have you tried DBT? It can be really, really useful for those struggling with emotional regulation. I am a therapist, it’s in my nature to want to help, but feel free to disregard!

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B February 14, 2012 at 5:31 am

[Warning – a very long post ahead!]

When I first read this, I couldn’t believe it. I actually refreshed my page and read it again just to make sure.

I have struggled with an eating disorder for years, and it’s been a daily battle since age 13. In the past year, I’ve also had a black mood and feelings of utter hopelessness that I can’t seem to shake. I have headaches, I can’t think about anything but food, and I can’t concentrate.

I know how it is to feel contradictory, but don’t stop writing! We love you here. Your posts and pictures invite me to dream again and get me to hope about the future. If anything, your struggles make your posts seem even more sincere.

Your courage is inspiring, and someday I hope I can come to terms with everything as gracefully as you have.

I wish all the best for you, and I hope that the good days will overshadow the bad ones.

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p49it February 14, 2012 at 5:41 am

Dear Marthe,

You so brave!

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mari kolbeinson February 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

Du e sterk du marthe.

ærlig inspirerende.
Fortsett, det løsne nå

Gla i deg!

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Melati February 14, 2012 at 11:16 am

Marthe, your courage in sharing your vulnerability is truly inspiring. Take care and keep writing.

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Caroline February 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

Hello brave soul, putting yourself out there. Courage to you on the next part of your journey.

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Kristine February 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Honey, thank you for sharing. Don’t let the hospital walls make you forget your dreams, let it make you stronger. Hold on to what is good. And keep on being an inspiration!

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corey February 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Dear Marthe,
Though I do not know you but through your blog, I feel a connection- to you, your human-ness, your honesty…your bravery. Thank you for opening up and in doing so liberating a part of yourself (I hope) and also, giving us the message that we can, too, be ourselves, be honest and authentic and not live in fear. Thank you so much for the post. Best of luck.
Corey

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Mubin February 17, 2012 at 7:18 am

Fellow BPD here. I don’t know what to say when I really want to. Is that another BPD trait? I realize that when words fail, one talks with a hug. Sending you a hug all the way from India.

P.S. I just caught a rainbow in my tear. It stayed for 5 seconds, painful but beautiful five seconds.

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Angeliki February 17, 2012 at 9:43 am

That was such a touching and inspiring post. I really appreciate and admire your honesty, you set an excellent example for all of us. Hope you get well soon x

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Kat February 17, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Thank you for sharing this intimate part of you. Really glad to see you back up and running! Im relatively new to your blog but it has inspired and changed so many parts of myself. You have brought a lot of inspiration, enlightenment and support to so many and you are amazing for doing so!

Best wishes and hugs
xxx

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Caroline February 18, 2012 at 4:36 am

Marthe, the honesty and truth of this post once again touched me right to the heart… you’re such an incredible and inspiring person… to me, but to so many more, every single friend I have introduced to your blog has become a big fan… i can imagine that you’re not going through the easiest of times, but please know what an inspiration you are, how much your beautiful posts, writings, poems, stories and pictures mean to me.. they bring a little joy, comfort or awareness to my days that make life a little better, bring a little more sunshine.. you cannot imagine how grateful I am for that… so take care and remember that you are loved (even by people who have never even met you) love caroline

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Ami February 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

Just want you to know that you are inspiration to so many. I really do admire your courage and honesty as well as your positive outlook. Thank you for everything… Take good care of yourself, okay? Know that I look forward to your new blog posts – your blog is definitely my favourite. :)
Lots of love,

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Amanda February 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Thank you, for sharing in honest and in brave, the things which make you most beautiful. You are not alone.

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Vienda February 23, 2012 at 12:17 am

Inspiring, open and heartfelt sharing beautiful girl! Thank you for taking the leap and much love to you. We all have skeletons in our closets and airing them out certainly does give you freedom.

xox

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Jen February 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

From one side of the internets to the other, a message: you are a brave soul. I don’t think I have ever really met someone I could describe as ‘normal’ – we are all so unique. And that is also why we are all here doing our thing online, to share our uniqueness and to revel in it. Love your words – hope you are doing okay.
x

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Kat February 29, 2012 at 8:28 pm

It takes a strong person to be so honest. You are amazing and I continue to admire your thoughts and positivity!

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raingirl March 2, 2012 at 6:50 pm

We all have our issues. If you feared your readers not continuing to read, well, that’s not the case. You have so much to offer to us. Thank you for sharing this, as hard as it must have been, it makes you more real and actually makes your other posts seem all the more wonderful and helpful.

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Ashley April 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I don’t really know where to begin. First off, I want to say that I really admire your honesty. I’ve never been legitimately diagnosed but I’ve known for a while that I have BPD. I don’t need a diagnosis because if you have it, you have it. Once you’re aware of yourself it becomes so obvious. I’m terrified of it because it feels like such a permanent thing and I’m scared of what others will think of me. There is such a stigma attached to this sort of thing and one of the main symptoms is an absolute fear of rejection. I know that being honest about it runs the risk of be being rejected for it and that terrifies me. People don’t just acquire this illness. I don’t know what happened to you to make you this way, but I need you to kn

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Ashley April 3, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I don’t really know where to begin. First off, I want to say that I really admire your honesty. I’ve never been legitimately diagnosed but I’ve known for a while that I have BPD. I don’t need a diagnosis because if you have it, you have it. Once you’re aware of yourself it becomes so obvious. I’m terrified of it because it feels like such a permanent thing and I’m scared of what others will think of me. There is such a stigma attached to this sort of thing and one of the main symptoms is an absolute fear of rejection. I know that being honest about it runs the risk of me being rejected for it and that terrifies me. People don’t just acquire this illness. I don’t know what happened to you to make you this way, but I can only assume that maybe you’ve gone through life not getting the appreciation that you deserve. Sad people read your blog hoping to get some inspiration from someone who seems to have the whole idea of happiness figured out. I know how hard it must have been for you to reveal your true self. I know you feel like you’ve been living a double life but I can’t agree. I feel like you were still showing your real self, just not the whole thing. You’ve let down that wall and showed the most fragile part of yourself. I know it’s scary but girl, it’s all in your head. You are loved. You are appreciated. You are wonderful and you are determined. I’ve never even met you and I can still see how bright you shine. You are hurting inside, but you still have dreams, you still have hopes, you still have determination. You are proactive in trying to get better. The fact that you are seeking help for your conditions shows just that. Some people live their whole lives this way without being able to admit it to themselves or to others. There is something inside you that longs for more. Even if you haven’t achieved it yet, you know that there is something more. I hope the treatment you receive is able to help you. And you know what? Even if it doesn’t cure you this time around, genuine persistence and a thirst for life will get you there. Don’t give up hope because you are someone special and happiness is yours of you want it. You’ve inspired me to be more honest about my condition and for that, I really do thank you. Feeling like you’re keeping secrets or living a double life really does add to a lack of self esteem. I’m proud of you for getting that out of the way and I have no doubt that you just took a massive step towards your recovery.

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Erin Oveis Brant April 16, 2012 at 1:38 am

Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for being so honest. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. Your words are so incredibly beautiful and inspiring. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts on your healing journey. <3

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Sherryl June 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I, like Melissa, happened upon your post, and I am in total agreement with everything she said. It is so freeing to write about your experiences, and that is a good thing. It’s wonderful to have dreams, also. But the thing it seems being left out, here, is the most important of all. Your Creator…He knows you best, He loves you most, He never leaves or forsakes you, when you call on Him to help you through this crazy thing called life. I will be praying and agreeing with Melissa and anyone else who may be praying, that God will set you free to be all that He created you to be, from the very foundation of the world, and He does have plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11,12 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.”
Life’s circumstances, the scriptures, the work of the Holy Spirit, all lead us to the discovery of our blindness, sin and separation. This gives us awareness of our helplessness, desperation and dependency on God, which, in turn, leads us to confession of sin and crying out to God. The clarity we have about our need relates directly to the quality of our repentance. Then we can pray with the psalmist who wrote: “Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord” (Psalm 130:1). “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34).
So, we cry out to God out of our weakness, and God hears our cry and delivers us. Is deliverance possible apart from weakness? Is salvation possible apart from the cross? Is not God’s foolishness greater than the wisdom of man? Should we not then learn to delight in our weakness? I pray you will find your hope in Him. He is the answer to all of our cries for truth and honesty! <3

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Lauren September 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Thank you all the way from New Orleans, Louisiana. I love all your writing and I just printed one of your free printables. You give me hope <3

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WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2013 February 12, 2013 at 7:40 am

My family always say that I am wasting my time here
at net, however I know I am getting know-how every day by reading such fastidious articles
or reviews.

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Elisabeth February 24, 2013 at 12:39 pm

Thank you Marthe. For being you, for letting us read your beautiful blog, for the inspiration and thoughts, for the light that shines through your words .

À bientôt. xx

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Melina March 6, 2013 at 12:29 pm

I have came across your site Marthe through Pinterest and how you have made an impact on me within only a few entries that I have read. All have resonated with me deeply and this one so much so that I had the strongest urge to comment from all the rest. You. Are. Inspiring.
I honestly have not read a more authentic open message to share with us your vulnerability. With going through similar experiences myself – this to me is bravery, courage, strength and love.

Thank you Marthe.

Melina x

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Lori April 18, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I also found you on pinterest. You are helping me change my life. I found you just in time. I love your positive messages. I look forward to receiving your emails. I am trying to be the best person I can be just like you.

Thank you for helping me get there

Lori

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LisaMarie April 25, 2013 at 4:25 am

I only just found you yesterday and already I’ve fallen in love. You can only teach what you yourself have learned, yes? This another course in your lesson plan for both the student and the teacher in you. Your spirit, passion, humanity, courage, vulnerability and love cannot be mistaken – they shine and sparkle through your words and images. I will continue to follow your blog. Wishing you much love and many blessings! <3

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