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Phyllis Le Chat February 27, 2017 at 1:39 pm

I am exhausted. Sleep deprivation, inadequate nutrition, dehydration, and severe emotional stress. I have numerous medical issues, including digestive paralysis – in my case taking the form of Gastroparesis – for which there is no cure and no treatment other than constant monitoring of my food intake and hydration. I am also a Type 2 diabetic, which makes the necessity of avoiding everything I ate when I was vegan even more crucial. 3 grams of fiber a day at most, no whole grains, no raw fruits or vegetables, no soymilk, no legumes…the list seems endless and I’ve no alternative to eating foods that for ethical reasons I’d abandoned. I just came out of an IOP – Intensive Outpatient Group – which I had been sent to because of severe stress, depression, and complications resulting from turning to edible marijuana, smoking marijuana, and drinking Amaretto daily for a week in a misguided attempt to subdue the constant physical pain caused by fibromyalgia. Totally backfired and I became symptomatic of the Gastro again – vomiting, pain, high blood sugars. Live and learn.
Last night I discovered proof of what my husband has denied for the last year – that his online sexual relationship with a young Filipino woman was still ongoing and he has been sending her money for promising to find him sexual partners, also under 20 yrs. of age. My husband is 53. Finding out that what I’d thought was happening was indeed happening is actually a big relief, and frees me from the turmoil over my desire to end our relationship of 24 years. The lies, emotional traumas, physical abuse, open hostility and neglect – I can finally be free of the emotional whirlpool that’s been an almost constant presence since we began seeing one another. I had planned to move out last year after he promised to “give” me $150,000 from an IRA – a promise that was another lie, I found out after 3 months, after researching places that suited my criteria for a new home, speaking with my attorney, and selling almost everything I owned so that I would only be taking things of real value into my new home.
I have had insomnia for several years. I average 6 hours of sleep at night, but it’s never restful. I toss and turn almost all night due to discomfort. Sometimes I get 4 hours of sleep, once in a while 9, but never know which it will be when I turn in for the night, and despite a sleep hygiene schedule set up by my sleep apnea specialist I’m rarely rested when I get out of bed in the morning.
I do read literature and poetry, watch films that are beautiful and reinforce my “good” behaviors and thoughts, spend time with my affectionate and dear companion of 14 years, my 17 year old cat, Henry. I read Stoic philosophy, listen to mindfulness meditation CD’s, try to time my periods of rumination to limit negative thoughts, seek out people and places conducive to quiet reflection, healthy conversation. Despite my best efforts I’m back on an anti-depressant but I have managed my diabetes well and am not on insulin. It’s difficult to walk due to sustaining an avulsion fracture last May that hasn’t healed completely, yet, and the simple act of walking upstairs from our apartment to my car in the parking lot is exhausting, but I have more good days than bad now and rarely limp. I decided to learn how to make sourdough bread like a baker this year, am collecting tropical and citrus plants for cooking and eating, began a small garden outside our patio last Fall and the container plants I transplanted are doing really well – even with the drastic changes in our weather they’re all green and new growth is spurting up. Things could be worse.
I know this is an extremely lengthy response to your question about being tired. Despite my best efforts, I really rarely have someone to share thoughts with. My husband hasn’t had a conversation with me about anything of substance in our entire relationship, I’ve become very reclusive during our marriage to the point of developing agoraphobia requiring hospitalization for anxiety three years ago. It’s been a long, painful, damaging 24 years, I’ve given up a few times, sublimated my needs to a dominating Narcissist, and the cost to my mental and physical health has been dear, but I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m a strong woman, inspiring to others I’ve been told, intelligent, capable, talented as an artist. I’m compassionate and thoughtful, I’ve been told. I “do the work” because my quality of life depends on it. I try to be aware of the self pity and whining that I can wallow in at times, and those times are fewer and farther between. I may never feel better than I do right this moment and I have to accept this. My body and mind are damaged from the abuse and some things may be unfixable at this point. Acceptance of this allows me to accept truths and use them as a foundation to build an honest quality of life.
Thank you for your post about being tired. It’s given me pause for reflection, and has been beneficial.

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Marthe March 1, 2017 at 8:36 pm

Hi Phyllis,

thank you so much for sharing your story. I read it with awe and admiration. You are so strong! I wish I could jump right through the screen and give you a big hug. Thank you for doing the work so beautifully!

Much love,
Marthe

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