If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

From If by Rudyard Kipling

I first read this poem a couple of days ago, and the line that really struck me was this:  “If you can dream – and not make dreams your master“. It struck me because I was thinking about that fine line of balance between using a dream as a source for fuel, and being burnt out by it. To be pulled or to push. How many times haven’t I found myself thinking “If only … then …”. THEN I’d be happy. Then I’d be satisfied. Fulfilled.

And by doing that I’m pushing that dream before me like a shield against the world. Pushing, pushing, pushing. Effectively making sure the dream will never come true, because I’m not ready to receive its greatness. But why?

Because I fear success? Maybe.

Because I fear failure? Maybe.

Because I fear sharing the dream? Maybe.

Because I fear that I’ll succeed and still don’t feel good? Maybe.

Because it is safer to avoid all of the above? Definitely.

It is a message I’ve been sharing for such a long time. and yet – the world keeps reminding me to tell it again and again. Because making dreams come true is a practice, not a one-time deal. So I’m telling it again, to remind you and myself: When you make your dreams your master, you’ll never succeed. And you’ll probably never fail. But you’re also running like a hamster in a wheel, wearing yourself out without getting anywhere.

So don’t make that special, magical dream a chest full of gold at the end of the rainbow. (Remember, that rainbow is constantly moving.) Take a close look at your thinking habits and check if you’re running around thinking “If only [insert wonderful dream here] THEN I will be [insert dream emotional state here]“.

Own the dream – don’t let it own you.

Don’t postpone [happiness/fulfilment/joy/excitement/other dream emotional state]. Go live. Now.

Perfect is the reason why nothing is created.

Perfection, or rather perfectionism, is the reason why I haven’t written anything the last couple of days. Not even that, a powerful desire to be perfect is the reason. I don’t consider myself a perfectionist – nothing I ever do is perfect.

Here are a list of things I didn’t do the last couple of days

• I didn’t start writing that ebook I want to write. And so, it will probably never get written
• I didn’t change the layout, content and look of the sidebar on the blog
• I didn’t write any guest posts and send them to other bloggers
• I didn’t do anything crafty and creative with my colourful art supplies
• I didn’t put up those inspiration boards over my desk
• I didn’t wear that new cardigan I bought last week
• I didn’t write any poetry or fiction
• I didn’t take any photographs
• (I didn’t take care of myself)

All because I have this fear. I fear that if it isn’t perfect, it isn’t worth doing.

(The sad thing is that that translates to my own view on myself. If I’m not perfect, I’m not worth being.)

Perfection is why projects are never born, books are never written and people are never happy. Perfection is why safe is the new sorry.

So please, please, bear with me. My posts aren’t perfect. My writing has grammatical errors and I sometimes forget to drink my tea. I’m so so so bad at keeping a regular schedule, at living from the heart, and I’m just terrible at showing up.

I’m going to try to be just a little less perfect, and a little more me. Which means there will be high ambitions, perfectionistic even. And I’m probably not going to finish what I start.

But I’m pretty good at inspiring people. Helping people. Light a little spark.

So please, please, let down your perfectionistic guard with me.

If you’re studying for your exams right now, please take a few hours off
and let that desire to write a perfect A rest a little.

If you’re working right now, please cut the edges, forget to spell-check
and trust that your clients or bosses love you for being you.

If you’re an artist right now, please forget the why’s and the how’s
and just create from the heart like you used to do.

If you’re a writer right now, please forget about comma rules and how to engage your readers
and just pour the words onto the page.

If you’re relating to other people right now, please say no, disagree,  forget to do all the right things
and just laugh, smile, love.

If you’re a human being, please forget about diets and make-up, hair-removal and white teeth
and let yourself flow with your breath into the ocean that is your heart.

It doesn’t have to be perfect. Good even.

Make it true. Make it transparent. Make it heartfelt. Soulful. You.

Imagine a mother and a child standing on top of a cliff. To make that image a little easier to see, have a look at this place, which is a famous Norwegian cliff called Prekestolen (Preacher’s Pulpit).

There are three distinctly different ways the mother can relate to the child who is running about and exploring the amazing place and all the dangers it represents.

1. The mother can be ignorant of the dangers, the child running around and her own power to take care of the child. She might be lost in her own problems, the danger might overpower her so much that she can’t relate to it, or she might be just forgivably unaware or unable to realise what is going to happen. Suddenly, the child is standing on the edge, wondering, curious, dead.

2. The mother can realise the danger, but she doesn’t face the potential consequences. She will tell the child to “stay away from the edge!”, “stay close to me!” or “stand still when I tell you so!” She is in a position of control, she has the power, and she is not afraid to use it. She might not understand it, but the tone in her voice implicates that the child has to obey, not because the mother is afraid the child might die, but because the mother needs to be in control – and she will not, can not, fail as a mother.

3. The mother can keep a watchful eye on the child while still enjoying the scenery. She might tell the child to be careful – “because I love you”. She trusts the child, but her love overpowers the fear, and she might spend the entire time holding the child’s hand, protecting it from the danger, without clinging.

There are numerous other ways to mother a child on a cliff, healthy and unhealthy ways.

The question, however, is

How Do You Parent Yourself?

There are potential dangers all around you. You might fail, get hurt, fall ill or die. (Sorry, if I’m the one who breaks you out of this illusion.)

And there are challenges, obligations, fears, mistakes and seemingly impossible dilemmas.

Not to mention goals, dreams, achievements, life peaks and wonderful possibilities.

And no matter the situation, where you’re going to or where you’ve been – you are always spending time with yourself.

So, are you the ignorant type of mother to yourself? The one who goes with the flow, end up hurt over and over, who is unable to deal with the horror, reality, raw vulnerability of life?

Or are you the controllable kind of voice in your head, telling yourself to do this and do that – and for the love of God – don’t make a fool of yourself?

A lucky few of us take the role of the loving mother, the one who stands by us no matter what, who lovingly accept and support and guide. Is that you?

As I said, there are a lot of different ways to approach parenting, and maybe there are different ways for different situations. But in order to figure out the best way of relating to yourself, you need to inquire.

Who are you, that voice in my head who never leave my side? What are your intentions, your motive, your way? What are your fears, and are you capable of compassion? Can it be that your controlling fear is love, after all?

A friend of mine invited me and my boyfriend to a party hosted by friend of hers. I didn’t know the host. But I assumed my friend had checked with the host and that it was okay that we came along too. On our way there, however, my friend said that she hoped her friend knew we were coming and that he was home.

And I thought “what!? Aren’t we going to a party?” Of course her friend must be home, right? And then I started questioning if it really was alright that we came along. Turned out the big party I had expected (where I could easily blend in) was just a small gathering with a few close friends.

My friend laughed and joked about it all and called the host to hear if he was in and if it was alright that we came a little early. But before she called him, she said something I think is really wise.

“I hope he is home and that everything works out, but if not, this will turn into a really fun story.” (We laughed. There and then, we could totally see the fun in showing up with two strangers and then there was no party.)

I’m no storyteller, so disregard the clumsy build-up of this little story. Pay attention to the wisdom please.

The wisdom, is – of course – to view all possible embarassment as a potential fun story.

And I particularly liked her approach of looking at a situation this way in advance. Because the usual approach is to look at it as a fun story years later when all the initial embarassment has faded. Which involves sligly more unnecessary embarassment if you ask me.

(In case you wonder how the story ended: we went there, he was home, everyone was nice and it didn’t feel awkward. I told you the story itself wasn’t that interesting. I did, however, accidentally set my hair on fire that night. But that’s another story.)

Do you have any fun stories to share? Can you transform your future fear of embarassment and view it as a potential fun story instead?

When I first wrote this post, I fired up some rad language. I channelled my power and wrote some kick-ass lines about why enough is enough and that we should all stop trying to improve our awesome selves.

But it didn’t quote feel right. So the post has lingered in my draft box for some time now.

Until tonight. As I’m writing this, it’s 2 am and I can’t sleep because I have too much on my mind. I’ve had quite a few of those nights recently. And each night brings about a new painful insight.

Tonight I’ve decided that it’s about time I come clear and let you all know that I don’t always practice what I preach. It’s about time I practice showing a little vulnerability instead.

So here comes a heartfelt piece of writing about enoughness.

Because so many of us walk upon this magnificent earth believing that we are not good enough. Or smart enough. Tall enough. Thin enough. Caring enough. Loving enough. Lovable enough. Pretty enough. Productive enough. Friendly enough. Fill-in-the-blank or all-of-the-above.

I know I’ve been feeling that I’m not thin enough. I constantly worry that the work I’m doing isn’t good enough. Or that my writing isn’t interesting and worth reading. When all these things (and a lot of other areas of my life) are added together, I’m starting to think that I am not good enough. period.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of enough. I’d like to share my two cents, even though think this post never will be perfect and ready for publishing.

e·nough

[ih-nuhf]

1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead. –adjective

2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency. –pronoun

3. in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently. –adverb

4. fully or quite: ready enough. –adverb

5. (used to express impatience or exasperation): Enough! I heard you the first time. –interjection

—Synonyms
1.  ample. 3.  adequately, amply, reasonably.

So, when we say we don’t feel good enough, what we’re basically saying is that we don’t feel good to a degree that satisfies a need or desire. We don’t feel sufficiently good. The question is obvious: which need? Which desire? which purpose?

I’ll use the example of me not feeling good enough in general. (God knows I’m not quite ready enough to tackle the thinness question just yet). I worry that being who I am, doing what I do, isn’t good enough. I catch myself thinking it over and over. again and again and again. But I don’t think I’ve ever stopped and questioned that belief. I’d like to grab myself by the collar, look me in the eye and say “hey! Good enough for what exactly?!”

For people to love me? To make me popular? To make my dreams come true? For me to like me? If this sounds familiar, give yourself a moment to see if you can find some answers to your own needs to be enough. Is it success? Self-esteem? Self-love? It is about you, or others?

Have you ever questioned how much goodness/smartness/thinness/prettiness is enough for you to reach said goal? I know I haven’t. But if we don’t set a limit somewhere, the goal will always be unreachable. It’s eternal. And we end up never feeling quite enough.

So who makes the decision and set the limits? And here is the insight that is my wisdom & painful lesson learned: You set the standard. You have the power over you.

The only one who can measure your worth is you.
You decide when enough is enough.
Time to set some new standards for yourself.

And this just brings up more questions. Where do I set this goal? How much effort, improvement, energy and power is required before I can be satisfied with my enoughness?

It’s so easy to fall in the trap of thinking that if we just set the goal a tiiiny bit further down the line, we’ll reach it and be happy ever after. But it doesn’t work that way. Because we reach our goal and — surprise! — realize we’re still not happy about ourselves. Have you ever found yourself stretching that goal further and further? Well, here’s the second insight, and I know you know it already:  Happiness is not reached by the drive to become a better version of ourselves. In fact, if we continue to think that way, chances are we’ll never be happy.

I say this to myself as much as I say it to you:
You will be happy when you decide to be enough. Just the way you are.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I know it’s got a lot to do with my own feeling of worthiness. I know I’ll figure it out. (And I’ll let you know when I do.) And in the meantime I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt and just assume I’m good enough by default.

When do you feel you’re not good enough? What is your wisdom? Anyone who wish to dip their toes into the cold pool ocean of vulnerability with me?

Eyes meeting. Smiles exchanged. Electric sparks. Souls uniting.

We all want to feel connection. Love. We want to feel connected. Loved.

This post is not about that everlasting connection between lovers. Between family. Friends.

This is about connecting with strangers. Only for a brief moment.

I had one of those moments yesterday. A flash of connection that was over in an instant.

I had been out shopping and came home with a top and a scarf. (which is not totally irrelevant.) I decided to try on the top again to see if I still liked it. I don’t have a mirror in my room in England, so I had to use the window to be able to see how it looked. It was dark outside, so I could see myself clearly. I put on my best face and posed.

And then I looked down on the street. My room is on the first floor, with a view down on the street below. As I looked down, I meet the eyes of a complete stranger. He had seen me posing and was clearly entertained. When he saw that I had seen him, his face lit up and he gave me a huge smile. Then he reached up his hand and gave me the thumbs up. For a brief second, I was embarrassed and self-conscious. I didn’t exactly want someone to see me giving a silly pose. Then I returned the smile and laughed. It was one of those magic moments. When you connect with a complete stranger. (And I took it as a sign to keep the top).

This has happened a lot lately — Smiling to a stranger in a café — Meeting the eye of a young mother while admiring her child — Laughing and smiling when I’m almost bumping into someone on the street and get a smile back — Laughing out loud when witnessing something funny and realizing I’m not the only one who saw what happened. A man saw the same and we shared a laugh for a few seconds. –

It’s instant connection. love in a flash.

We all feel disconnected at times. Unloved. Invisible and lonely.

And truth is, sometimes we are disconnected from friends and family. Sometimes we are unable to feel the love. Sometimes no one sees us for who we are. Sometimes we really are all alone in the world.

And it is all very painful.

Isn’t it comforting, then, to know that we are all connected? Just go out and smile to everyone, I promise you you’ll feel it.

Smile. Make yourself visible. Show people that you are willing to connect. Take a walk around town and see if you can help someone. It takes two to connect. Take the first step.

In that moment souls are dancing.

I may have a slight office supply addiction. (Which is a major understatement).

For years, I have collected notebooks. Gorgeous leather-bound notebooks with heavy paper. Cheap composition books that look classic and nostalgic. Plain Moleskines in multiple packs. I have a whole shelf in my bookshelf just for notebooks. (seriously.) I just can’t resist buying a great notebook when I see one.

I also love pens. Color pens. Ink pens. Pencils. The regular Bic pen (which is actually my favorite). Or the classic fountain pen that is heavy and lies perfect in the hand.

But I never got to the point where I connected the two passions. I think the only thing I’ve hand-written the last couple of years are exams.

All the notebooks were left blank. Whenever I tried to start using one, I froze. I just couldn’t start writing.  A blank notebook has so much potential. So much hope. The possibility of containing the next bestseller. The brilliant poem or gorgeous doodles that everyone but me seems to be able to make while they are on the phone or doing something else.

And I couldn’t fill it with my ugly less than perfect handwriting. My boring thoughts and shopping lists. And so I kept buying notebooks & pens, but I didn’t see myself worthy of using them. And I was afraid of discovering the truth about myself.

– Until now.

You know that moment in Eat. Pray. Love. when Elizabeth writes to herself:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” (-Elizabeth Gilbert)

So one day when I was desperately filled with emotions and didn’t know what to do, I decided to give it a go. I ended up writing 11 pages in my notebook in one go. I poured my heart out on the paper. And while I didn’t have a revelation or epiphany, I did end up consoling myself through my own written voice. And I have filled up two whole notebooks with thoughts since then.

Somehow it feels like I’ve been gathering notebooks for years just for this very reason. To be prepared for when I really needed it the most.

— — —

I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned about writing and healing

:: Use a notebook with no lines. You’ll be free to write exactly what comes to mind. Big thoughts may want to come out huge. Small thoughts might need the tiniest of letters. Give yourself the space.

:: Buy yourself a wonderful notebook. Your thoughts deserve the heaviest of paper and the softest of leather if that’s what you want.

:: Use a pen that moves quickly. Your thoughts will always be faster than your hand.

:: Don’t think, just write. Keep your hand moving. If you notice you’ve stopped writing and started thinking, write down those thoughts too.

:: Move towards the discomfort in your writing. If you touch a subject that feels uncomfortable, write more about that.

:: Always bring a notebook & pen with you, no matter where you are. Write when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, surprised or curious about your feelings.

:: Be curious, ask questions. What do I feel? Why do I feel this way? What can I do about it? All are great questions to start with.

:: Don’t worry about grammar or points of view. I sometimes write in first person (I think, I do, I feel) and sometimes I switch to second person (you can do it, you are worthy) when I need to tell myself something.

:: Write just to write. You don’t have to come up with revolutionary thoughts every time you write. Sometimes it’s okay to just rant about the small things.

:: Make writing a priority, schedule some me-time.

:: Focus on what you feel when you write. Let the emotions come, and sit with them . Write them out. Explain how your feelings look like, what they taste like, which color they are. Don’t run away.

:: Write first thing in the morning, when you are still in the transition between night and day. When your mind is foggy and you are more connected to your unconscious.

:: Write before bed to get worries and problems out of your head. Keep a notebook on your nightstand so you can write things down if you wake up during the night.

:: Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth. No one else will know who you really are if you can’t be honest with yourself first.

:: Keep your notebooks somewhere safe. They will be your books of wisdom and tell your story someday. You might regret it if you burn them or get rid of them.

:: Not just write when you’re dealing with negative emotions. Share your happiness, your joy and your gratitude.

Do you use writing to connect to your inner voice and heal? I would love to know how you do it.

-Marthe

I appologize for not posting in a while, I have been busy working on a different dream. I’m now settled in Kingston, United Kingdom.

That thing called momentum

You know how it feels like when you have been working on something for a while, when things start to flow easier, faster. And then you stop working on it, only to pick it up again later? Momentum is gone and it feels hard to get back on. That’s how I feel right now.

So excuse me for this post, which is really just for my own benefit. I just need to get started writing here again, slowly, and one post at a time. Please let me now if you have any questions, problems, writing tips, post ideas etc, that would help a lot!

I would like to thank each an every one of you who took your time to comment even though this place has been deserted for a while. I have replied to your comments, just check back on the post you commented on. Thank you for contributing, it means a lot to me.

My message is this:

Please work on achieving your dream a little every day. Make sure you don’t lose momentum. Push it forward with all your power and then support it little by little. It could really change your life.

The Freedom Experiment. Freedom. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Isn’t it what we all strive for? Freedom for me means being able to try and fail, to win and lose, and to jump in head first. Into the unknown and brilliant future.

Let’s start right here and now. Over the next few days, I will start the transformation of this blog. First, I’ll work on the layout. I need to test some templates and do A LOT of changing around, so don’t worry if things look a little odd the next few days. I (hopefully) have it under control. Next, there will be some changes to the content of my blog. As I develop as a person, the content here will also change accordingly.

Here are some of the changes that will take place: I) I’ll start writing more regularly II) I will mainly focus on writing and providing my own content, not repost pictures and stuff I have found elsewhere III) The general topic will be all sorts of personal FREEDOM, although I will also write on other topics IV) The posts will be super useful and inspiring V) I will still be myself, which means all posts will be written in the same whimsical, inspiring, artsy kind of way.

I sincerely hope I can make an impact with this new direction, and I hope you still wish to be a part of my tribe.

Love, Marthe

I have some big news! Have you noticed that my url has changed? If you are subscribing, you don’t need to do anything, but please change your bookmarks, girls! As from today, you are now part of a huge project called the Freedom Experiment. The reasons behind this move are many, but the best part is that at the same day as changing my URL, I have accepted an offer to study photography at Kingston University in south London. Yes, you heard me, I am putting my law studies on hold to study photography! Isn’t it wonderful? This is my big  freedom experiment! I just couldn’t keep it a secret any longer now that it is happening! Since I’m currently in London for summer school and life is hectic at the moment, I will explain all the changes to my blog later. Don’t worry, I will still provide great inspirational posts, just a little different, that’s all!