The transformation of the Freedom Experiment (and me)
It is not revolutions and upheavals That clear the road to new and better days, But revelations, lavishness and torments Of someone's soul, inspired and ablaze
-Boris Pasternak, After the Storm
This is a really hard post for me to write. I've been thinking about it for a while. Wrote a couple of first (and second) drafts. But I couldn't find the words (or the courage). Still can't. But I'll try.
I'm not going to appologize for not posting for a while. Truth is, I haven't even thought about this blog.
I have been shattered. Broken. Bruised. Beaten. Slashed -- and cut open. (not literary).
Well, that is not entirely precise. I have also shattered. Broken. Bruised. Beaten. (Myself).
It has been a real battle.
I hit solid rock sometime in early January. And I'm in the process of putting all the pieces back together. (In a new and better way).
To sum it up (and to practice being vulnerable): In January I got diagnosed with a long-term pain disorder. I won't bother you with the details, but I think you understand that even though I saw it coming, it came as a shock. So I decided to put everything in my life on hold to focus on my health. I started paying attention to myself, slowed down & realized that I had become depressed. I won't try to hide that it has been a rough time, and I'm not sure it's even over yet. In the middle of this I have felt so lost. So confused and lonely. It became the start of a journey of self-discovery.
I have learned so much on the way.
And I still have so so so so much to learn. About myself. About life. About love. Vulnerability. Worthiness.
And I have already changed so much. No wonder there are gonna be some changes around here as well.
I'm back. A lot wiser. And with some hard-earned insights that I hope to share with y'all.
"Rock bottom became a solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life" – J. K. Rowling