Storytime: The girl who was looking for it
She had been haunted by this restlessness for so long. At first, she had tried to distract herself with reading mindlessly online. Distracted herself with candy, then food, then wine. Smiled, halfheartedly when someone said something she presumed to be funny .Tried to clean the house, to write and to listen to good tunes. She had tried everything she could imagine; browsing and browsing, website to website, photo to photo. But she couldn't get it. No matter how many cupcakes she ate, how much her house sparkled, how many books she read, how many wonderful ideas. No matter how many blogs she read or how many pictures she looked at. None of it was it.
She wasn't even sure what she was looking for. And she felt that she had tried every possible solution she could think of. After loosing weight, she realized that getting thin definitely wasn't it. Shopping only felt like it for about two hours, then it dissolved like dust between her fingers. Not even being held by someone who loved her turned out to be what she was searching, yearning, breathing and longing for.
Sometimes she wanted it so much she started to get quite desperate. Frustration built up in her the way a ballon full of nothingless expands and then pops. She cried then, tried to fill that void with tears, drowning her longing in a deep and bottomless well. Clearly not it. Once she even tried to hurt herself on purpose, just to check if that deep hole in her heart could be filled with pain and destructiveness. And of course, this wasn't it either.
She got tired of this constant searching, the endless race to run away from her nothingness. Her soul looked weary, her eyes lost that spark. She was giving up. Slowly and gradually, her heart started to beat slow-er and slow-er and ka-du-nk-slooow-eeer.
She only had one option left, one door unopened, and that was the option she feared the most.
Before she could let herself give up completely, she had to go deep into her soul and ask herself what she was looking for.
She took a deep breath. One breath for courage -
And then another - for hope.
When she looked within, Loneliness was the one to open the door. Emptiness followed. A little further inside, she met Fear.
When she looked Loneliness in the eye, that urge to be perfect so that others could love her filled her body like a wave of luke warm summer sea.
When she looked Emptiness in the eye, she could hear that familiar voice telling her to keep busy, look for it, look for it, look for it.
When she looked Fear in the eye, the sensation in her body was so strong she had to look away for a moment. Her body started shaking, as fear re-played all the times she had been hurt, rejected, alone.
But then she made use of that breath for courage and looked Fear in the eye again. Challenged him this time. Like a child challenging a parent's everything as truth.
"what do you want from me?" she asked them then, ten thousand stones in her belly. "Why won't you let me find it?"
"You never let me spend time with you," said Loneliness.
"You never gave me anything I really needed," said Emptyness.
"You never dared to ask me why I tried to protect you," said Fear.
The girl got quiet. It was true.
"Don't you understand, you are it", said Loneliness. "You are the friend you've been searching for so long."
"Don't you understand, your soul is it," said Emptiness. "You have within you the power, the love and the spirit to fill that space."
"Don't you understand, your heart is it," said Fear. "it will give you more love than you can carry with you, and it will overflow and fill the whole world, if you let it".
And for once, the girl remained still. Her longing silenced like the sky on a crisp winter night, millions of stars flickering in her eyes.